From Bulimia to Enlightenment

Dear Dhamma Sukha Guide (Names withheld) 

I’ve been wanting to share a little of my story with you, especially because you were my guide through this retreat, but please read when and if you have time and no response needed just want to share. 

I think this was my fifth TWIM retreat — I’ve actually lost count. What I know for certain

is that each retreat has brought something deeper, and this one felt very different.

I had a quiet feeling during the retreat that something significant had happened, although I wasn’t looking for it. 

I haven’t really told many people about this, apart from my cousin who first introduced me to TWIM, because I don’t want this story to be about me or about an attainment. I want to share it because it makes me feel such immense gratitude for the Dhamma and for the incredible gift of this practice.

When I was about twelve, I developed bulimia. At that time, I was a top-of-my-grade student. I had a bright future ahead of me and so much potential. I’m not saying that to blow my own horn, but to explain the contrast of what happened afterwards.

Following my parents’ divorce and other circumstances, the eating disorder took hold of my life, and what followed was almost 28 years of what I can only describe as a hell realm in my own mind.

I remember actually sitting one day and realizing: my mind is in hell.

I was waking up in hell. I was going through my days in hell. I was going to sleep in hell.

It wasn't just that I was struggling with an eating disorder. My entire inner world had become a place of craving, aversion, fear, guilt and suffering. I felt trapped inside my own mind, and I couldn't find the way out.

I knew that the problem was in my mind, and therefore I knew there had to be a way to change it. I never completely gave up on myself. So from my twenties onwards, I searched.

I lived in London and explored meditation, Vipassana, yoga, Reiki, psychology, hypnotherapy, Overeaters Anonymous, different healing practices and many spiritual traditions. I travelled, went to the Himalayas and explored plant medicines and other approaches to healing. I tried ayahuasca, mushrooms, San Pedro and even went to an ibogaine clinic, hoping that somehow I could reset or reprogram my mind. I genuinely tried almost everything I could think of.

None of those experiences gave me the lasting freedom I was looking for.

I never wanted to accept that the answer was simply that I had to live with this. Somewhere inside me, I knew there had to be a way to reprogram the mind. I just hadn't found it yet. 

Then my cousin came to visit me from the UK and told me about TWIM. He explained that you sit and radiate loving-kindness to yourself. I remember thinking, That

sounds really strange. That's not what I think of as meditation! I had heard people tell me

countless times, “You need to love yourself,” but nobody had ever really shown me how to do that. He eventually signed me up for my first online retreat without me knowing 😅 and then I heard Bhante speak.

I particularly remember hearing him explain MN111 and the Buddha’s description of the path. Something inside me recognized it immediately. It was one of those moments where I didn't really have words for what I was experiencing. I knew I had found something incredibly special.

During that first retreat, something happened that changed my life. For the first time, I could actually see the mind changing through simply following the instructions. I could stand in my kitchen and experience craving or aversion without automatically being swept away by it. I could use the Six Rs, and I could actually see the cycle

being interrupted.

It was like watching my mind being reprogrammed and the mettā was a huge part of that for me. For years people had told me I needed to love myself. But through TWIM, I wasn't just being told to love myself — I was actually practicing it. I was radiating loving-kindness towards myself. Along with forgiveness and the rest of the practice, something began to change very deeply.

For the first time in my life, I felt like I was actually purifying my mind. After that first retreat, the cycle that had controlled me since I was twelve was broken. And what amazes me is that it wasn't the enormous struggle I had imagined it would be.

It was simple. The Six Rs gave me something practical that I could use right in the middle of everyday life.

And I never really looked back.

There were times when old patterns briefly resurfaced, but I knew what to do. I would sit, practice and return to the process. Gradually, the old cycle lost its power.

For someone who had lived inside what felt like a literal mental hell for almost three decades, this was an extraordinary gift.

But strangely, I don't feel that the attainment itself is the most important thing. I feel very strongly that the real gift is the path — to keep sitting, keep practicing, keep growing, keep purifying the mind and keep walking forward.

And, of course, not clinging to any of it.

I just wanted you to know this story because you were my guide through this retreat, and

because I feel such enormous gratitude for being able to walk this path.

I am deeply grateful to Bhante, to you, to Dhamma-sukha and to everyone who has kept these teachings alive and available.

What an incredible blessing the Dhamma is.

With deep gratitude and Metta

Sadhu!